As parents, we don’t get to choose where the children’s gifts will blossom. For some it may be excelling in sports, others may have interest in the field of sciences or become musical prodigies, yet for my darling Harriet she’s quite an expert in making annoying noise. Let’s face it, our kids are cute and lovable bundles of joy sometimes, mostly when they are asleep or staying at Grandma’s. Yet most of the time they are just plain annoying, are you with me?
They don’t mean it, it’s part of being a kid. They repeat the same shit over and over and vie desperately with their siblings for love and attention. It makes sense that they develop that skill of how to annoy the shit out of others; it’s most likely genetic or something like that. Some are just better than others, like my daughter Harriet. Firstly she has two older brothers to practice with on Saturdays and Sundays when stuck in the house on a rainy day, it’s time to try their skills on bugging the beejesus out of each other. Teasing, poking, prodding, mocking and touching stuffs that’s not theirs is practiced through the day. Telling them when they annoy each other, it kind of annoys me, seems to make no difference, which is pretty annoying.
So when I saw an advert for parents to enter their children into the “most annoying noise maker” I knew straight away we had a potential winner. The prize is they would noise-proof one room in your house which, chose our bathroom, so me and my wife were totally psyched that we won. Yet to win wasn’t as simple as just recording their annoying noise. We had to submit the time, the place, and high impact of annoyance this noise ended up having. As it’s not enough for your child to just start banging their foot on the floor loudly when you’re trying to give directions to a deliver guy who’s trying to find your house. The most annoying noise is all about timing, place, volume and “nails on black-board” levels of irritation.
Our winning submission came at the end of seven hour road trip. Like all families long car rides are breeding ground for fights, tantrums and boredom, all fertile ground for some of the world most annoying noises. After doing all the obligatory kids’ music, inane discussion, umpiring arguments and food and pees breaks we were on the last leg. Harriet started of slowly and soft, like the pro she is. She basically started scraping her nails against the inside plastic of the car door. Just enough to notice it and stop it, before I could say “Fucks sake, who’s making that noise?” She is good. She then starts up again and I press record on the phone, as I knew this was going to contest winning the contest entry and I wasn’t wrong. So the scratching starts up again, added with teeth grinding and then whistling another tune that’s not the one on the radio. All with complete denial and blaming it on her brother.
Look it may have been annoying but it’s hard not to have respect for that ability, the timing, the combination of unpleasant sounds and in this non-rhythmic Chinese torture type way. So yeah it made me proud when she won that award and its great next time she clucks like chicken while tapping her pencil on her teeth, she get to spend some quality time in bathroom and cluck and tap away to her satisfaction.