Being an extreme klutz is rough, people. Take it from me — not a day goes by that I don’t fall and spill or break something. Someone needs to wrap me in yellow caution tape, because I’m a walking safety hazard to mankind. Don’t you think all that is so adorable, kind of like Zooey Deschanel? After watching many romantic comedies, I ascertained that often the women men fall in love with are adorable klutzes. Miss Congenitally, Bridget Jones, New in Town, The Devil Wears Prada, Good Luck Chuck, No Strings Attached, Something About Mary, Just My Luck and many more all paved the way for the klutzes to really bring their klutz game up a notch.
I committed myself to being a serious klutz, and I think I have mastered it quite well. My co-workers, friends, and family applaud me if I don’t have a stain on my shirt by the end of the day. I often look at the ground when I walk so that I don’t miss a crack I’ll probably trip on. Even though my beauty is flawless, my klutziness gives me vulnerability people can relate to. Whether I am a klutz, a hard arse who learns to soften, or a manic dream pixie who helps a man find his purpose, I know men are still going to sleep with me either way based on my superficial looks. Yet having superficial beauty and some klutziness makes you both hot and adorable. You want to know the difference between a slovenly neurotic with ADHD and an adorable klutz? The difference is we do all the same thing, but in a cute endearing way that if you’re not super hot will make you look like you have some mental disorder. If you want to nail being Captain Klutz, this is my list.
You spill on every single article of clothing. This is a critical signature klutz move. Spill spaghetti sauce on your t-shirt and lick it off. Don’t worry; he won’t think you’re a mentally ill homeless person. That smirk on his face says, “Girl, you’re such a klutz. How cute.”
Half the time you don’t even know you’re spilling. A big sign of a true klutz is when you do one thing, but daydream about doing another. When you fill up your car with petrol, think about having a cigarette. Actually take one out, smoke it and almost throw the butt into your petrol tank, until some super cute guy stops you says, “What the fuck? Are you bat-shit fucking crazy, woman?” which is man talk for, “You’re such an enchanting klutz.”
Physical activity is downright dangerous for you. Being uncoordinated is a klutz must. Throwing like a girl was an action developed by the earlier pioneers of klutzing. Always be the one lagging behind if you go on a group jog. When you’re at the carnival, shoot a carnie in the face instead of the balloon. Don’t worry; you can’t damage what’s already broken. Just say, “Sorry I am such a klutz,” and then giggle.
It’s hard to take you seriously in an argument. Actually, it’s just hard to take you seriously, period, let alone in an argument. Yet if you end up in a debate, get really emotional, bring up issues that are unrelated, and then suddenly pull that quizzical face and say, “Where was I? I forget my point.” Ms. Scatterbrain just won a point for team klutz.
Chopsticks are the most terrifying utensils ever. You know where this is going. Knives and forks are bad enough, but with chopsticks people think you time travelled back to an 80s sitcom when they see how adorable/autistic you are when thinking they are used for cleaning out your ears.
Sharp objects make you extremely nervous too. Klutzes can actually get away with murder, and I mean literally. Being the kooky type, just explain to the police how you slipped and accidently plunged the knife repeatedly into his chest. They will just smirk and nod their heads with wry smiles and say, “Girl, get out of here. You’re such a klutz.”
Your friends are used to regular tripping and falling incidents. Pretending to trip is a classic klutz move. Knight in shining armour to the rescue, please. Also, use this to give a vag flash reward to anyone paying attention.
First dates often end in a disastrous fall or spill. If you want him to fall for your adorable klutziness, try running over an old lady and leaving the scene of the crime promptly. He will say, “Do you realise you swerved on the pavement and maybe killed that old lady?” You will say, “Really? I thought that was a wheeling bin.” Then he will shake his head and say, “This is going to be a long night.” Cue the canned laughter. When he adds, “But you know what? I like you, even though you’re an adorable klutz,” cue the canned “Ahhhh.”
People think you’re drunk when you’re (usually) not. Truth be told, I am drunk most of the time, as having no balance and walking funny is all part of my endearing klutziness.
You might as well have a hole in your lip, because consuming liquid is next to impossible. Dribbling is a great way to establish klutz credibility straight off the bat. Moving a glass to your mouth and consuming water is easy for normals, but not for us klutzes. We dribble it and spill it like we just came out of dentist’s office. Did we? No, it’s just the kooky way we consume liquids.
“Relaxing” is not a thing, because there’s a 100-percent chance you’ll have to pay. Be warned: The worst sign for a klutz to see is “you break, you buy.” Going into an antique store and butter-fingering a $500 vase until it smashes on the ground is just a price you must be willing to pay to win the “I am so awkward” award.
When buying clothes, “tripability” is a feature you consider. All clothes must be too big or too small, and at times you must wear different shoes by mistake. Are you a savant? No, silly. I’m just a delightful klutz.
You have a high pain tolerance. You built it up your entire life. Humiliating yourself every day and having less respect than a 3-year-old will take its toll emotionally, but it will all be worth it when Mr. Right comes in and falls in love with your kooky, cute gawkiness.
You have actually accidentally punched yourself. No, dummy, I don’t have multiple personality disorder. I’m just the Ms. Clumsy of the Century.
Light poles are your best friend. If you are ever low on klutziness juice, smashing your head into a light pole works every time. As you slowly wake from your semi-unconscious state and look up, there he is. It’s that perv from the butcher who’s always leering at you, but next time it may just be The One. If you want some tips from a pro, watch how Jessica Alba walks into a pole in Good Luck Chuck. OK, in real life you will find your face will swell up like a melon, and when you tell people you “ran into a pole” they think you’re making up excuses to cover a domestically violent boyfriend, but hey, a klutz has got to do what a klutz has to do.
Only you suffer from the most horrific wardrobe malfunctions. Forgetting your period and bleeding into your white pants in the middle of a history exam, creating a crazy scenario you just don’t know how you’re going to get off is so you. Tying your shoelaces is always a problem, even if they’re Velcro, in classic klutz manic. Odd socks at a job interview will just win their hearts.
Nobody is more annoyed with your lack of coordination than you. Not being able to dial 999 because of your clumsy fingers and phone dropping did cause Grandma to die. You feel guilty about this, but think, “Maybe I’m just a silly klutz,” until the neighbour who used to be a dork, but is now a seriously handsome lawyer who’s come back from the big city for the funeral tells you he has always had crush on you, and you completely forget about Grandma.
Sometimes your friends wish they could just push you in a stroller. It would be easier on them. Getting to the point where friends and family feel you’re so infantile and unable to handle any adult responsibility is a real milestone to be proud of.
Luckily, the true friends stick around and laugh with you about your hazardous ways. Yeah, there is nothing more loyal than the imaginary friends in your mind. They will always be there, and seem to have been there for awhile.
You have all the right faces for a klutz. Being a klutz, you need to master some core facial expressions.
The “Say what?”quizzical face. I thought it was my wedding, not my dad’s funeral.
Then the “O-oh, I accidently pushed a TV out of an apartment above busy pavement and mostly likely killed someone” face.
The “Shirley Temple/I’m mad, but at the same time so cute it’s just delectable” face.
The “I’m stressed, but also cute and I need a man to rescue me” face.
So there you go. I am sure you are aware I had to write this many times, as I accidently deleted it a few times, and then I thought my laptop was a cushion and sat on it. Ah, shucks, what can I say? I’m just a klutz. If you are a hot guy looking for a super cute klutz, you can try to email me, but then find out I addressed the responsive email wrong (face palm), so then you can come into my office with a dozen red roses instead. The klutz wins every time.