Nothing, because, you know, he’s not that fussed about birthdays and stuff.
The Ewan McGregor DVDs of him motorcycling around the world.
Surprise LSD in his coffee.
5 litres of the Listerine mouthwash called “Halt the Halitosis.”
Tickets to the seminar “I have erectile dysfunction, but I can still please my partner.”
3 classes of “Salsa lessons for fatties.”
A break-up accompanied by a “poor me” birthday cake laced with laxatives.
The great news about your mum moving in.
“Good news: I am finally pregnant after all these years we have been trying. Bad news: That guy with the perfect chiselled abs you hate at the gym, who makes fun of the way you do push-ups, is the father.”
The revelation of the family secret his mum told you: that he actually isn’t adopted after all.
Free pass to “Girls Gone Wet and Wild,” that turns out to be the water park you have to take your nieces to.
Front row tickets to the 10-hour version, done totally in mime, of the Norwegian playwright Henrik Ibsen’s play “Ghosts.”
A donation to his favourite charity.
A surprise party that no one turns up to… Surprise, you have no friends!
Sexy Lingerie… male lingerie… for him to wear.
Flight to New York, hotel for 2 nights, and $500 spending cash, all so you can reveal a secret to him on the TV show “Maury,” and it isn’t your fear of pickles.
A gerbil, or a number of gerbils.
Expensive Nazi war memorabilia, because you thought he liked war type stuff.
Hilarious Hallmark card saying how being old, fat and bald are now his best qualities.
A special belt to stop his bum crack from showing every time he does up his laces.
5-hour voucher for the rent-a-friend service.
A green smoothie with wheat-grass but absolutely no alcohol.