The book “Learning to Listen When She Talks.”- Socks or novelty boxers.
- An iron.
- Nothing, because, you know, he’s not that fussed about birthdays and stuff.
- The Ewan McGregor DVDs of him motorcycling around the world.
- Surprise LSD in his coffee.
- 5 litres of the Listerine mouthwash called “Halt the Halitosis.”
- Tickets to the seminar “I have erectile dysfunction, but I can still please my partner.”
- 3 classes of “Salsa lessons for fatties.”
- A break-up accompanied by a “poor me” birthday cake laced with laxatives.
- The great news about your mum moving in.
- “Good news: I am finally pregnant after all these years we have been trying. Bad news: That guy with the perfect chiselled abs you hate at the gym, who makes fun of the way you do push-ups, is the father.”
- The revelation of the family secret his mum told you: that he actually isn’t adopted after all.
- Free pass to “Girls Gone Wet and Wild,” that turns out to be the water park you have to take your nieces to.
- Front row tickets to the 10-hour version, done totally in mime, of the Norwegian playwright Henrik Ibsen’s play “Ghosts.”
- A donation to his favourite charity.
- A surprise party that no one turns up to… Surprise, you have no friends!
- Sexy Lingerie… male lingerie… for him to wear.
- Flight to New York, hotel for 2 nights, and $500 spending cash, all so you can reveal a secret to him on the TV show “Maury,” and it isn’t your fear of pickles.
- Rabies.
- A gerbil, or a number of gerbils.
- Expensive Nazi war memorabilia, because you thought he liked war type stuff.
- Hilarious Hallmark card saying how being old, fat and bald are now his best qualities.
- A special belt to stop his bum crack from showing every time he does up his laces.
- 5-hour voucher for the rent-a-friend service.
- A green smoothie with wheat-grass but absolutely no alcohol.
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