A bride sparked praise and pride in the Christian community after presenting her father with a gynaecologist-signed “certificate of purity” on her wedding day to prove she was a virgin and had never done any hardcore twerking, gone horseback riding, or participated in any riding whatsoever. The church erupted with joy when it was announced her hymen was intact, even though the same couldn’t be said for her dignity.
A leading expert in virginity certification, Dr. Sal Goldman, explained, “This wasn’t just some kind of thing you order online, print out and frame. Ms. Freeman went and saw a real doctor, who did the full hymen inspection, in which she was also tested to ensure it wasn’t one of those fake hymens you can order from China that dissolve after an hour. With her certificate, she is a genuine virgin with a 100% guaranteed un-popped cherry.” Though Dr. Goldman said “it’s worth remembering this test only proves that her hymen has not been broken, so for sure she hasn’t had intercourse or been finger-banged, but it will not tell you if she has been dry-humped, received anal penetration, given blow jobs or dozens of hand jobs, etc. That’s between her, God, and the lie detector on Maury.”
Brelyn Freeman gave the framed document to her proud dad, a pastor who gave her a big high five, after walking down the aisle to marry gospel singer Tim Bowman, Jr. Some may say making a covenant to pledge your virginity to your father at 13 years of age is super creepy and weird, yet Brelyn must have managed to redirect all that sexual energy into her fervent praying and committing to never look at pictures of One Direction or Usher with their shirts off. Some at the wedding were a little surprised when her husband Tim Bowman didn’t get up and hand over a certificate proving his own virginity and that he stayed true to his pledging his testicles to his mother when he was 13 years of age. “Maybe he will show us that at the reception,” one of his aunties remarked hopefully.