Local Community Breathes a Sigh of Relief as Police Finally Arrest the Fugitive Who Performed the Naked Ketchup Table Dance

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graphic-NNNPolice have arrested a woman who they say lay naked on a table at a South Beach diner and poured ketchup on herself. Earlier this month, witnesses told Miami Beach police that a topless Angelic Valle turned over tables and chairs at burger joint Johnny Rockets, and then she removed her bikini bottom before climbing onto the table and pouring ketchup on herself. At one point, she is also reported to have “placed a steel chair leg into her buttocks.”

One onlooker commented, “I was there with my three teenage sons and although they seemed to be enjoying it, I could tell deep within they were disturbed. This type of criminal offence needs to be punished. Taking your clothes off, when most probably high or suffering from a mental illness, and then dancing, is not the kind of inhibited and suppressed actions we expect of the younger generation.” The onlooker went on to say, “Ok, people may argue that those who caused the worst financial crash in history and made miserable the lives of millions have yet to go to jail, but if they conducted lewd and lascivious acts whilst doing so, then for sure we lock them up. Ok, hundreds of unarmed black men get shot by police officers who never go to jail, but if whilst shooting them, they also were performing lewd and lascivious acts, then like I said, lock them up. We are society that depends on constant suppression of our sexuality and it’s critical that our nakedness is something to feel shameful about it, so what’s her problem? Ok, in some states you can walk into a Denny’s with a machine gun with an open carry permit, but come on. What she did with the ketchup was one thing, but the mayo was just difficult to erase from my mind  .To make it even more appalling, there were a number of male onlookers who I beseeched to shut it down, but they just seem bewitched and hypnotised by the spell her jezebel body has cast upon them. ”

Members of the community are hoping she gets a life sentence without the possibility of parole. Also disappointment Judge Judy didn’t get to preside over the case.
Members of the community are hoping she gets a life sentence without the possibility of parole. Also disappointment Judge Judy didn’t get to preside over the case.

The self-righteous and sexually repressed mother of three was not the only person who left dismayed and hungry for justice. Mike Peters, a chartered accountant, told us how this impacted him: “Firstly, I just want to get a message out there. Cathy, if you’re reading this, please pick up the phone. I love you babe. OK, back to the criminal act that took place. You can see me in the picture —  I am the guy with the suit on that appears to be in a fixed state of ogling at her and enjoying the show. Yet let me tell you, I took no pleasure from feeling such pleasure. Although she had a smoking hot body, busted some serious dance moves and gave a whole new meaning to asking if you want ketchup with that, I want my fiancée Cathy to know I definitely didn’t ask for her number and I didn’t attempt to put $10 bill in her underpants; that was another guy in a similar suit. I love my fiancé and no matter how aroused her lewdness may have made me, I only am attracted to her. I hope she is found and put behind bars where she belongs.”

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