Dolmio Sauce tries to hack our brain into thinking it gives a shit

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By Francis Nicholson



Dolmio Australia, a pasta sauce company, owned by the colossal Mars Inc, a $33 billion, privately owned US based food conglomerate, only gives a shit about one thing. They give a shit about making money by making millions of people morbidly obese (check out their product range). Yet if making us think they give a shit about families all sitting down and talking at dinner time, helps them making money, then they are more than happy to give pretend to give shit about that. This corporate “viral” video has already got over 7 million views, all for fucking free, plus possible ad revenue from the video itself. Dolmio is saucing in their pants as we speak. Some geniuses at an advertising company obviously came up with the idea and got the Dolmio grin of approval to go ahead and fake it until you make it.

The concept:  Empower frustrated mums to shut down all handheld media with the twist of a peppershaker —TV, mobiles, tablets, the guy’s pacemaker next door. All magically shut down from technology sponsored ASIO or the NSA. Of course they don’t shut down the hidden camera’s videoing all these shenanigans, but let’s not get too technical. As you would expect, tantrums are had and the millennials appear to be the truly spoiled, narcissistic and uber brats we assumed they are. Let’s remember, this ad is aimed at household buyers of pasta sauce. The mums, not the kids, so shit on them all you like guys.

dumb dadOf course, all of this rests on the premise these mothers are so piss-weak and lacking in any parental authority whatsoever, that their capacity to just walk over and turn the TV off or take away their baby twats devices themselves, is a total non-idea in the first place. There is a bit where even dad gets remotely neutered when the TV gets shut down, as he quizzically inspects his now defunct TV. (Doesn’t anyone stop and think it could alien invasion?) Anyway, these downtrodden mums need some kind of stealth peppershaker to do what could done by a simple authoritative command, request or raged fuelled meltdown where they just go around stomp on every device each asshole child is clinging to, whilst slugging on bottle of rum and screaming, “I can’t take this shit anymore”.

As you imagine, all ends well that starts bad, as the saying goes. Soon the families are chatting, bonding and acting like the Brady Bunch without closeted homosexuality and drug use. All this thanks to a multibillion dollar food manufacturer, that can promote both family values, its amazing pasta sauces, all through the very social media we watch on devices its’s reclaiming we need to free ourselves from. Maybe we shouldn’t over think it. Or for that matter even think about it at all.

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