By Ursula Van Gutermuth
Throughout society, the sanctity of marriage is being threatened by all sorts of nasty forces that want to tear up the moral fibre and turn it into mini-skirts worn by heathen Jezebels. Society over the last 80 years seems to have gone way down hill. First, the holy sacrament of marriage was turned upside down when interracial marriages were allowed. Was Joseph an African male and the Virgin Mary Chinese? No, they where both devout white God-fearing Christians, which is exactly how marriage was meant to stay. There is no mention of interracial marriages in the bible, so how they became allowed, I have no idea. Ok, there was no mention of dinosaurs as well, but who is trying to marry one of those?
Anyway, as if that wasn’t bad enough, we then have the gays taking over our sacred Christian tradition. The gays want it all. They want equal rights, disabled parking, free healthcare and our beloved children’s cartoons to be gayified to suit the gay agenda. Don’t believe me? Look out for Bums Bunny coming soon to the Cartoon Network. The gays sinisterly insert into our God-approved coupledom what is called a slippery slope.
To start with, all public toilets will need to have glory holes because the gays want equal access to lurid sex.
Then, balls start rolling when Garry and David get married. Once we have man-on-man or women-on-women relations, we all know what’s next. That’s right, Henry and his pet rabbit Flopsey walk down the aisle. Who the actual bride is in this situation, I have no idea. What is even more abominable is Flopsey is a male, so it’s a gay plus interspecies marriage. Lord have mercy on Henry’s and Flopsey’s wretched souls. That, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly what they want. They are lathering that slope with anal butter and Vaseline, ensuring all of society slides into moral decay whilst singing, “It’s raining men!” Thank God for judgement day and the rapture, as we will gloriously ascend into heaven, bathed in the loving mercy and compassion of our lord Jesus, whilst leaving behind those pagans on the scorching earth to burn in the eternal flames of hell. With megaphone in hand as I float peacefully into the heavenly stratosphere, I will be asking the gays, “Was it worth it? Was getting married really worth inviting the end days? My guess is they won’t even hear me as they keep sinning in one last debauched act of steamy, sweaty, oil-covered, gay love making.
They say it’s about equal rights, yet let me tell you about equal. The only equal I believe in is 1 + 1 = 2. That’s right, it’s the equal we learn in maths, and in relationships there is no maths, so there is no equal. Those brainy liberal intellectuals may dismiss this with logic and reason, but logic and reason are the devil’s tools for devil’s work, and I am not a tool, certainly not Satan’s tool.
The reason gay marriage can’t work is there is an order in the universe where everyone knows their place. In that order, there is no place for the gays. Everyone has their roles to play, and we can’t just think for ourselves and go off and not do that, otherwise the whole order crumbles. It’s like pick-up sticks for humanity. That order goes:
- Standard angels
- Dog the Bounty Hunter
- Chickens, aardvarks, etc.
In that exact order. Whatever creature you are under, you must serve them. As a woman, I don’t fight the fact that I live in perpetual servitude to my husband (as well as my brothers and sons). He didn’t make the rules, he just follows them, rigidly, without fail, like such a fine Christian man. I am just lucky we don’t own a dolphin. Under me, of course, I have my own servants. I often command chickens to turn into tasty nuggets, and they follow my orders, just as I follow my husband’s. For any marriage to work there needs to be a boss and his underlying, so in a gay marriage who is under whom? As you can see, the gays just didn’t think this through. They want the cake and carriage, they want stylish but flamboyant floral arrangements, but they forgot the most important vow any wife will utter: I obey. That’s how marriages work, and that’s why the gays’ marriages won’t.
They think it’s about love and caring for one another, but how wrong they are. God didn’t put us on the earth for such decadent things. We are here to sin and pray for forgiveness and judge anyone else that doesn’t do what we do. It rained the day it was announced gay marriage was legal. I knew that was either the angels crying or peeing on us; either way, they weren’t happy. So I have made a personal stand. In the bagel bakery my husband owns, we have a sign.
Is it hard working out who is and isn’t gay. A guy called Kevin came in the other day, who was eloquent, dressed dapper and said many witty quips. We told Kevin we had run out of bagels. I ask myself if Jesus would sell bagels to the gays, but of course he wouldn’t. Jesus follows the bible and knows exactly what he can and can’t do. Would Jesus enjoy a choreographed intro dance with Chris Brown’s music, never seen before on YouTube by the newly-weds Jason and Jenny? You bet. Would he enjoy a collaborative sing-along with excerpts from the musical “Rent” as part of Patrick and Crispen’s wedding celebration? Hell no. Let’s keep the gays out of Christian institutions and my husband’s hard drive. Let’s make marriage sacred again, where the only gay in marriage is gay in the sense of being happy. Now that’s a gay I can seriously get behind and push for all night long.