First thing, did you notice how in the title I used the word “hack?” Just reminding you that’s the newest and coolest way people say “change.” It has fewer letters, and it rhymes with so many other words. Anyway, on to breakups. Breakups are the worst. Well, OK, there maybe are worse things, like fleeing a war zone, starving to death, or working in a sweatshop in Bangladesh. That said, if I had to choose between my fiancé Chad breaking up with me or having my home shelled by an indiscriminate force trying to kill me and my family, it’s an easy choice. Bring it on, guys!
So, sometimes relationships are the worst, because you have lost someone who you truly care about, who obviously didn’t care a hoot about you; sometimes they’re the worst because you have put all your eggs in one person-size basket, and that person-size basket unceremoniously takes those eggs and smashes each and every one; sometimes they’re the worst because they remind you of how empty, boring and devoid of meaning your life has become.
Regardless if you are the one taking the shit or the one being shitted on, it was mutual, or the other person cowardly and pitifully just ghosted back to the suburb he is from, getting over a breakup isn’t easy. Here are a few useless tricks that you will forget around 30 seconds after you finish reading, but subconsciously you did manage to absorb some of the advertiser’s brand building, which is really the true function of this drivel.
- Give yourself permission to be messy, but only for a specific amount of time. I advise 1 to 2 years.
Time to let go, girl! It’s back to Chewbacca legs and full bush; remember, vaginal fleas are not as bad as people think. Don’t clean up after yourself, and just imagine you’re getting your flat ready for being featured on “Hoarders,” so really let yourself go. If you want the full Monty, try being homeless. Hoboes are so in this winter season. Make sure in the space of a month you pack on at least a 7 kgs, so when you bump into him at the supermarket (with your newfound junk in the trunk, “bump” is exactly what will happen) with a bag of Doritos, he will know who now is calling the shots. Bonus: Breakups are the only acceptable time to show up to lunch in your pyjamas, drunk and incoherently muttering stuff about how he never paid for the abortion.
- Have a funeral for your dead relationship. Literally, meaning not metaphorically. Just like mourning a death, there are stages of grieving a breakup that generally consist of alcohol, ice cream and Xanax. Instead of hoping the other person will lift the restraining order and come running back into your arms, you have to accept what the Judge said: your relationship is over, and watch that sassy mouth of yours. The best way to do this is with a funeral. You can do it alone, or better yet with people there to feel sorry for you and validate your drama queen persona. Any friends with recently deceased pets can join in. Bury that lock of hair and the piece of his ear you bit off, because it was kind of getting manky anyway.
3.Follow your ex everywhere. There are many schools of thought on this, but by and large, looking at any images of your ex having fun with other women, not being a miserable pile of tears, will help fuel the fires of your wrath and vengeance quite nicely. Technically, I don’t think cyber stalking is a crime yet, so do as much as you can before it is. Troll his Twitter like Fatal Attraction was just for amateurs. Create multiple fake Facebook and Twitter accounts, and try to befriend him, gain his trust, then bring him down. Go through his trash; eating his leftover kabab will bring you closer on a spiritual level. Ask those Bulgarian guys you know from the laundromat if they can steal his identity and ruin his credit score. Follow him everywhere, and yes, this includes your ex’s friends and family, because you know stalking him is creepy, but stalking everyone he knows is mega creepy.
4. Make a meaningless sex schedule and stick to it.
For a long time, I thought sexuality was just the sex you had with your Ken doll, and being in a relationship does not disabuse you of this notion. Being single, however, is an opportunity to sleep with all those guys you used to fantasise about when you had sex with your ex. Take lots of pictures and ensure these guys are well hung, then send him those pics to further heighten his insecurity about his medium-size penis. Believe me, this will make him want you back big time.
5. Whenever you have a decision to make, ask yourself what youmost want to do — not what your friends want to do or what your parents want you to do — and do that.
This could include robbing a 7/11 or taking a shit on your desk at work. It’s your life, girlfriend, and you need to own it, all of it, including the poo poo. Now that you’re single, it’s all about you, even though when you were together it was also about you as well. Life is about doing what we want, when we want, no matter how many years we end up in jail. Can you really put a price on freedom? Is that last sentence even relevant to the paragraph? Who cares? It’s Me time.
6. Go to brunch.Sometimes, when you go through a breakup, you walk outside and look at the hustle and bustle of the world and think, human existence is an existential slice of nothingness, and I think I would be happier if I was a worm!But sadly, the tech for transforming into worms hasn’t reached Earth quite yet. So eat overpriced bagels around about 11 a.m. to midday, and sit back and judge other people, particularly those in happy relationships who are obviously just trying to rub it into your face. Volunteer. Go to a museum and steal something priceless. Crash a party at Mc Donald’s and stomp on the birthday cake of the little brat whose birthday it is so he cries. Honestly, you’ll feel so much better. Help out a friend and make it about you, and remind them about how much of a terrible friend they are. Ask for petrol money before you leave.
7. Set up “excuses” for your friends.“Sorry, I just can’t” is a thing my friends and I have been doing for a long time. When one of us is going through something, the rest of us set up pre-rehearsed excuses and justifications to ensure we don’t all get drawn into their relationship bullshit all over again. If she needs to watch old horror movies and not talk, that isn’t your problem. It’s like “bros before hoes,” but here is “hoes against a particularly dysfunctional hoe.” If she unluckily knocks on your door and has seen you move the curtain, you may just have to let her in. If she needs to weep and yell and hypothesize about the future, boom, get the chloroform, gag her and lock her under the stairs until she shuts the fuck up. We call it tough love or girl power or convenient. Of course, I am making all this up, but theoretically, all of that could happen.
8. Take an inventory of your needs, and assign a new way to fill each one. What did your relationship provide you? A way to avoid your own dark abyss? A means to project all your daddy issues onto some unsuspecting guy? A sure-fire way to get rejected and further ingrain your abandonment issues? Someone to give you a lift after your Overeaters Anonymous meeting? Once you get over the hysterical feelings, sit and think through what you actually got out of the relationship. When you conclude zero, don’t worry; it’s still kind of a number. Realize that you deserve to have intimacy, a person to complain to and feel insecure about and wedding dates, even if you aren’t in a relationship. Remember, you are the centre of the universe. So seek out dysfunctional ways to have those needs met without being in a romantic relationship. For example, knitting or taxidermy, and don’t forget second cousins are not strictly illegal to date. Mostly fill that hole in your soul with ice cream; buy, like, a 1 kilo tub, and just eat it all.
9. Never arrive at the point where you are facing a weekend with no plans. I don’t believe that everyone has to be single for long periods of time, and promiscuity is so underrated. I do believe that if you jump into a relationship immediately after terminating a relationship, it’s a great way to transfer all that unresolved anger and bitterness onto your new boyfriend. He really won’t see it coming (LOL). Let’s face it, there is a prospect you will end up alone, barren and depressed, statistically speaking. If you don’t want that to happen, you need to desperately find a guy who’s more insecure than you and control him, but then secretly resent him for allowing you to emasculate him. So never forget, it’s Me time.
In summary, I just wanted to use the word hack again and let you know some of the catching titles it allows me to use. Great hacks in the sack. Great hacks in dealing with downstairs what you lack. The best hacks to get the most out of your crack.
Pippa Paddington is an L.A.-based writer who was raised by a pack of feral dogs in downtown L.A. until the age of 11. She is a producer and a former couple’s therapist, but is now in the last leg of litigation issues arising from her misunderstood relationship advice. You can find her on the new hit reality show “Daddy Issues,” which follows the ups and downs of Pippa being single and crack addicted, all with an over-inflated sense of entitlement. You can also buy “Let Me Feed You,” a guide for women to become the most awesome feeders.