You develop Spidey senses for things you had no idea bothered you before. Has he always made that noise when he masturbates? Would it be so much effort for him to not trim his pubic hairs in the kitchen? Yes, you love him and yes, he’s a definite safe bet, but holy crap, those little things.
R.I.P. lazy Sundays.Good-bye, Netflix. Good-bye, Little House on the Prairie and reruns of Full House. Hello, ESPN, porn-a-thons, and realizing that when you love someone and they are the one who bought this awesome flat screen TV, you can only watch what you want when they are not home. Remember, compromising that there is no compromise is a great way to justify being walked all over.- On said Sundays, you don’t know until the last minute if you’re going to bed with him drunk or high, or both.I wish anything made me as happy as a Jets’ win makes my booboo. I wish I knew what the Jets even were. I wish anything would make him less cranky when he bets this month’s wages and these so-called Jets blow it. I really wonder who is blowing whom.
- You never imagined that at the ripe old age of 28 you’d be reinforcing a bedtime.Funny how now that you live together, he asks you to ensure that at 8 p.m. he dresses in his PJs and brushes his teeth, and before he goes to sleep you read him a bedtime story. He has told you changing his adult diaper is next. Still not sure if this is humiliating or adventurous.
- You are old enough to shout, “Honey, I’m home!” to ensure that if he is sleeping with another woman, this is her cue to hide in the closet. Denial is a critical part of any healthy couple. It’s best you push that weird feeling that he is sleeping with your best friend deep, deep down inside. Lock it in what we gals call the “truth vault.” Knowing the truth sometimes is just not a chill thing to acknowledge. Time for the smiley face.
- Splitting rent is chill, but splitting other things isn’t.Where did all your organic Weight Watchers meals go? He ate 10 fucking meals in one serving? That greedy, fat son of a bitch is going to pay big time. He even found your secret chocolate stash and ate all of it? That fucker is going to die.
- The expression “pick your battles” makes so much more sense now. If he wants to spend 12 hours each Sunday talking to his mum about her problems, fine. Who are you to get in the way of someone’s crippling co-dependency? If he wants you to give your opinion on whether Uncle Nathan should get his gout looked at, he can fuck right off.
- “This is fun,”you catch yourself thinking as you wash blood off his shirt. You know you’re going to look back and laugh at that time he came home at four in the morning drunk and covered in blood ranting about how she made him do it. It was such great “us” time when you helped him rehearse his alibi before the police came over. Time for the smiley face.
9. That beard stubble though. Sometimes, small acts, like leaving his beard stubble for the millionth time in the sink, just confirm how dismissive and neglectful he is to your needs. Log it your angry diary.
10. He seems to be getting uglier. In the first flush of love, he was your own George Clooney and Brad Pitt rolled into one. Yet now living with him and getting to know the real him, revealing his selfish, petty and controlling ways has gradually turned your attraction into revulsion. You now roll your eyes when tries to touch you, an undisguised expression of contempt.
11. There is just nothing sexy about watching him take a dump, except… you notice that his constipated face looks eerily similar to his cum face. Kind of like a Chinese dude with a bee stuck in his mouth. Next time he cums, it’s hard not picture him on the toilet. I guess you could call that sexy.
- Both of you are more excited that the cushions come in that perfect black-brown colour than you are about going out later. You voluntarily spend half your weekend at stores like Bed Bath & Beyond considering practical purchases and wondering aloud, “How the fuck did we end up the boring, mundane couple we always despised? Shut up, Brad. It was a rhetorical question, and no, going beer tasting at a micro-brewery means we are just boring and pretentious. I hate my life with you.”
13. You never thought when you moved in to “his place” it wouldn’t actually be his place. After you moved all your stuff across the state and got ready to move into his awesome pad, you didn’t think his awesome pad was the basement at his mum’s house. He put it down as a miscommunication problem, telling you that this is how your issue of not listening impacts you both. Now you’re not sure how you feel about paying a bond and six months’ rent upfront.