Why women need to dumb themselves down if they ever want a chance with a guy like me.

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graphic OMA recent study has come out confirming what most of us guys know already: When it comes down to it, no guy really wants to date a smart woman. We men love a certain type of brainy girl, like when in the movie “Horrible Bosses” Jennifer Aniston wears glasses in her role as the dentist, but it turns out she’s a total horn-dog. Now, that kind of “I am brainy, but I am way more sexy” is hot. Yet when it comes to actual brainy brains, girls, let’s face it: It’s a huge turn off. Seeing as how our uber-masculine culture pairs being a man with being stronger, smarter and overall more badass than any girl, coming across a woman who has genuine intelligence is difficult to really grasp. It’s like, “Boobies, talk, boobies, talk. What’s happening?”

That’s what I expect female golfers to look like. Now they need to start playing in those outfits.
That’s what I expect female golfers to look like. Now they need to start playing in those outfits.

Being inherently insecure in my identity as a result of a culture set up to ensure that’s the case, the last thing we need are smart girls messing all that up. It’s really important we still make that association with masculinity and intelligence, so even if a girl ends up smart, she is only pretending to be like a man. Same with being assertive; when a woman is assertive, let her know how manly you think she is being. Otherwise, the ladies just forget that what’s most important is how they gratify male desire. Lots of professional female athletes have gotten on board with this, as they love to strap on some sexy lingerie and let all us guys know in a sexy whisper, “Just because I am at good sports, please don’t feel threatened. It doesn’t mean I won’t let you objectify me. Check it out, boys. My fuckable body proves I am really a woman.”

Bikini football: Now that’s a woman’s sport I would be happy to watch.
Bikini football: Now that’s a woman’s sport I would be happy to watch.

It doesn’t matter how unprovocative the sport they play is, and it doesn’t matter that no man has been expected to get their Speedos on for the camera; women just know that to be liked is to be sexy, not smart or excellent in their sport. In my opinion, if we really want to see female football take off, they need to start playing in lingerie. Just copy the fastest growing sport in the world, bikini football. Thems hoes knows hows it goes. So, well done, female athletes, taking one for Team Man. We owe you! It would be great if some of the English Lit professors at Posh Town University would whack on some leather and lace, and prove they too are women… On second thought, maybe not. Because they don’t conform to my shallow definition of attractiveness, it’s better they shamefully cover themselves.

Seriously, guys, is this what you want to happen when you leave the toilet seat up?
Seriously, guys, is this what you want to happen when you leave the toilet seat up?

Truth is, women are getting too big for their britches, and they are losing track of what a woman’s real two roles are in life. One is to make men feel better about themselves, and two, of course, is to pop out a few kids in the process (but ensure that never gets in the way of role number one). So how is a man going to feel when the woman he is dating is smarter than he is and earns more money than he does? If he’s anything close to how insecure I am, that’s going to send his boner to the graveyard. Things have gotten so bad, we have woman like Ronda Rousey. Here is a woman who, if you date her, she’s more than likely smarter, makes more money, and on top of that could beat you to a pulp and kill you with her bare hands. Hello? That’s a man thing, Ronda. Back off. Do you have to try to take over all the things we men do really well? For centuries, the subordination of women under patriarchal authority has rightful gone unquestioned. We have been able to dominate women with our physically superior strength, and inflict violence at will. Now women want a piece of our action? If you’re with a woman who could beat the shit of you at any moment, how are you not going to feel like a woman? We only have a few pieces of false masculine power left, and now the likes of Ronda Rousey are taking that away. I mean, come on, male dominance is our tradition, it’s our heritage, and it’s our right to pass on intergenerational dysfunctional gender roles. Christ, it’s in the Constitution

somewhere, I’m pretty sure.

So, yeah, I am deeply threatened by a woman who has an autonomous mind that can be happy independently of me telling her how pretty she looks. If I ever end up in a situation like this, I would have no problem telling her to dumb it down a little and start talking about her feelings or those great shoes she bought, and discuss the reality TV show of her choice. With that I can be dismissive of her while I smugly sneer to myself and think, “Typical woman.”

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There is hope though, as no matter how smart a woman can become, we have successfully created a consumer culture that aims to undermine, diminish and constantly turn its values into how attractive women are to men, by ceaselessly accessing what they wear, what they weigh and what lipstick they are using. Also, flooding women with images of an unattainable self and deliberately working to make them feel insecure and self-conscious is also fantastic for selling useless things no one needs. So if you’re a smart woman, and you want to catch a great guy like me, I suggest you bring your brain level down a few notches, and then a few more.

 

Remember, it’s a man’s job to boast and talk incessantly about his achievements.  When you do it, it’s going to come across as aggressive and butch. When a man expresses his emotions, he’s passionate and committed. You, on the other hand, are probably on your period. Let your man leer and drool over a hot woman walking past, but if you do the same, it’s going to be pretty obvious you’re a slut. Talking of sluts, remember, no one respects a person who has slept with countless sexual partners, of course, unless they have male genitalia, then it’s high fives and huge respect. Keep in mind that any success you have accomplished professionally should be minimised, and let’s not forget the most important question when it comes to your professional achievements: “Who did you blow to get that job?” followed by some hearty sniggering and guffawing. Being smart is overrated; trust me, I am a smart guy, and it’s not easy. My advice to any women out there is to relax and leave it to us guys. We have always made sure you are ok, as long you are making sure we are ok, and I think that’s a win/win, don’t you?

Spencer Carrington is an investment banker and author of the book “Millennial Misogamist: A new manifesto for an old kind of man.” Spencer is an avid golfer, and plays regular rounds with Jamie Dimon. He also loves fast cars, girls gone wild, and working up a manly sweat during wrestle practice with his fellow man buddies.

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