At times, it’s comforting to think that somewhere out there, there is a person more fucked in the head than me. This is one of those stories.
Sometimes, we think we’d be happier if we just married a deep pan pepperoni or maybe even a grilled cheese and ham sandwich. Working out what type of junk food you want join in holy matrimony is not easy. You need try them all, play the field and get some experience. Then one day, you will just know: this is the one I will marry., like this 22-year-old Russian man, who apparently just got married to a pizza.
Fundamentalist Christians did warn of about how gay marriage would lead to these types of man-on-pizza acts of lascivious debauchery. They interpret their unholy union as more evidence that the end of days is approaching. Yet, personally, I salute the guy for coming out of the pantry and being really honest about what he most likes to stick his dick into. We hope this is after he finished eating, of course.
The ceremony allegedly took place in a pizzeria in the city of Tomsk, in Russia.
The bride was thin and crispy and wore a veil. She was stunning. She looked really hot and it was obvious everyone wanted a piece of her, but she was for one man and man only. The groom (who wasn’t named) wore his best clean shirt and it seemed that he couldn’t wait until they got to the honeymoon suite. The moment he said, “I do,” he started eating her out there and then. The pervy homeless people that came into watch just ogled away, drooling like hungry dogs hanging around for a small piece of her discarded crust.
The former-bachelor says he decided to commit to his favourite fast food after getting bored of the single life. Relationship with humans are kind of boring, whereas pizza has so much more depth, in particular if it’s deep pan. “Love between two humans is a complicated, wild thing and something I don’t think I can cope with,” he said.
Pizza, in contrast, “would not reject you or betray you, and speaking quite frankly and sincerely, I love it. The worst thing she could give me is indigestion and in the long term, heart disease, which I think is worth the risk to get my lips around her cheesy parts. The whole marriage idea came when an 8-year-old said to me, ‘if you love it so much, why don’t marry it?’ That was when I knew it was time to pop the question. She totally knows I want her, I mean, like all of her, and she never plays hard to eat, unless she has been left on the coffee table for a week. Then I admit it’s not that easy. Especially if she’s been sitting next to an ashtray, it’s kind of gross.
He said prior to the wedding that they courted to get to know each other. “I used to take her out for walks in the park, or she would hang out at my place and we would talk all night and watch TV. She loved Gordon Ramsey. Yet, it wasn’t all romance. There were times I felt she would withdraw, her lid would come down and I could feel she was getting cold, but that’s nothing my oven couldn’t fix.”
Asked if had be married before he said, “yes, last year, I married a garden hose, so technically am I bigamist. Yes, you could say I am, but now that hoe of a hose means nothing to me. It’s all about her, the pizza, period. “
Russian party pooper authorities, however, refused to officially register the marriage. A church also turned the newlyweds down, as he refused to give the priest a slice. “He put me in really difficult spot. He wanted a taste, but I knew what that would lead to and had to say, ‘sorry padre, she is not for sale, anymore.’”
So, in the end, the ceremony took place in a local pizzeria with the chefs and managers as witnesses. The restaurant even presented them with an unofficial, but very smart, wedding certificate on a clipboard. Asked where his groomsmen and the rest of his family were, he surprisingly said that he had no friends and his family are vegetarians, so they didn’t approve.
Sadly this isn’t a spoof story. To read the original before I butchered, twisted and embellished it click here.