Finding a man who’s willing and ready to settle down and love you FOREVER is no easy task. Despite the fact that no two humans who were romantically involved have lived together without dying for few billion years, doesn’t mean you and your partner can’t be the first. So, when you do find someone you can momentarily delude yourself into believing is the one, it’s like driving down the street and running over a seagull. You think it just happened, but you’re not really sure. As often as not, the one ends up the “the none.” What I mean is that the person who you think will be the man of your dreams often ends up being the man of a very short dream that ends in a weird way. Here are nine signs that the guy you’ve got is not helplessly in love and that there is a 97.3% chance that he will either stop loving you or, more likely, may have never loved you in the first place.
1) He pretends to cater to you.
He makes sure that you’re happy day-in and day-out, as long as it doesn’t detract from his more important priorities. He listens to your crazy work stories, but don’t ask him any questions about them, as this will spoil the fact that he wasn’t really listening. He rubs your neck when it’s sore, with the unspoken agreement that he can move down to your boobs after about 2 minutes. He once made you a bowl of pot-noodles from a flavour that he hates and bought by accident. Caring for you is on the level 5 tier of his priorities along with cutting his toenails and remembering to change the light bulb in the garden shed.
2) He wants to hang out with you . . . a LOT.
Seeing as he seems to have no friends and his family have disowned him, it makes sense that he has nothing better to do. If he’s texting you everyday to see if you’d like to Netflix and chill, you mean something to this guy; he is probably too cheap to get Netflix in his own apartment. Let’s face it – there is reason that most people hate him and all his friends on Facebook are in China.
3) Sex isn’t a huge factor for him.
Sure, he likes to do the dirty next to landfills and public toilets, but sex isn’t the reason he’s with you as he doesn’t find you that attractive. If you were willing to lose weight, get plastic surgery and go blonde that could possibly change. In fact, he wants to do SO much more with you and your purse by his side — travel to another country! Sample beer! Have a birthday party! If you’re paying, the possibilities are endless.
4) He keeps you completely out of the loop when making major decisions.
He will always take a new job without talking to you first. Or maybe he’s thinking about renting an apartment across the city, but he can’t be bothered to double check that the commute between your place and his will be OK. Other than meeting for sex, it’s like you have zero impact in his life whatsoever.
5) He lies to you claiming that he has told you things he’s never told anyone.
Late at night — which everybody knows is prime time for life’s most meaningful conversations — he tells you lies he’s never, ever told anyone, ever . . . except the previous six girls he went out with. The time he ran over a hobo and secretly loved it. Or the time he rescued four orphans from burning building, but he didn’t want to take the credit for it. Also, the time that he travelled back in time and high-fived Hitler.
6) He doesn’t flirt with other girls in front of you.
He has eyes only for you, when you’re in a 10 metre radius. When it comes to leering and salivating over other women, this guy’s isn’t as obvious as some of your other moron boyfriends. You don’t have to monitor his every move to see if he’s hitting up other ladies. Just assume that he is the moment you go get a drink or take a leak.
7) He doesn’t mind talking about the future.
He loves talking about AI, transhumanism and the possibility of a future where you can have sex with robots, which he is claiming wouldn’t technically be infidelity. When you bring up buying a house or getting engaged somewhere down the line, he start coughing and rolling on the floor like he is choking on a chicken bone.
8) He shows you off.
If you were willing to get the boob job that he keeps nagging you about, he would happily tote you around like the objectified trophy wife his shallow value system sees as an accomplishment. His dad, his best friend, a dozen of his inbred cousins and some random dudes on the bus have all seen before-and-after pictures of your breasts and leered at the rack you paid for at his behest.
9) He loves making you feel slightly above average.
He treats you like he a has mild interest in you — although he would prefer to do a lot less. Fulfilling your needs feels like a chore he has somehow been manipulated into. When he is with you, he seems grumpy and removed, and he only cheers up when he moves up a level of Candy Crush and you announce that you’re going home.
Toby is a relationship coach and fashion consultant. He has been featured in Esquire, Rolling Stone and Seventeen.Toby is known to live life on the edge and push the boundaries of his wardrobe to the limit.
He currently lives in New York staying in a friend’s car and dumpster diving for most of his meals. To anyone who feels sorry for him and is willing to give him a warm bed for the evening, he would willing write a personalised poem and a tune on his flute. Alternatively, he will give a hand job no problem.