So, Should We All Be Giving Ourselves Semen Facials Now?

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graphic-NNNLast week, beauty blogger Tracy Kuss, who suffers from rosacea, waxed lyrical about how a mother load of cum is an excellent “cooling, natural skin treatment to soothe sensitive skin.”

This is actually an empty bucket of leftover sweet and sour sauce, but you get the idea of how it could look.
This is actually an empty bucket of leftover sweet and sour sauce, but you get the idea of how it could look.

Tracy Kuss told us, “little did we know every time a porn star takes the money shot, she is getting a deep cleansing facial. Although guys have been for years insisting that cum on my face would double as a great moisturizer, I just thought they were being jerks. Turns out they really did care. If only had listened.

Being a beauty blogger is tough work. You’re surrounded by all these wannabes targeting the same market. I knew I had to do something different to get some attention. At first, I thought about smearing elephant shit on my face, but it was way too hard to find a decent supplier. Then, when I saw a man flashing me at the bus stop and masturbating, I knew that’s what it was going to be. Rubbing baby batter all over my face and putting it on YouTube would get me the much needed exposure I desperately craved. If someone had told me five years ago I would be rubbing jumba jizz on my face in front of thousands YouTube subscribers, I would have said ‘awesome.’

At first I was honestly doing it for publicity, but now I really use it every day.”

Seeing as her audience consists largely of 12 to15 year-old girls, we ask Tracy, “what is your advice to them?” First, be picky who you get it from. The crusty old janitor — that’s a no. The P.E teacher that smells like lonely, another N and O. A cute boy in your class, that’s a yes right there. Those girls are so lucky to have access to an almost avalanche of ball booze surrounding them every day. Jeez, I would love to be 14 again.

You mind says “urghhh gross” but you skin says “yes please”
You mind says “urghhh gross” but you skin says “yes please”

She claims that the semen is “harvested” and delivered fresh each morning by her 14 year-old step-brother Nathan. She tells us, “I use the word ‘harvest’ as it kind of detaches my audience from the reality that this type of moisturizer is spat out by his cock while he is watching a she-male orgy. Nathan is amazing. He is like the HSBC for sprog — no matter when I need it, he seems to be able to just jerkin the gherkin and presto! The peeve I have with Nath is at times is if he’s been eating a lot Cheetos. You can kind of smell it in his jizz juice.”

She went on to say, “I think people are concerned with the thought of putting semen on their face, but actually it’s a very natural and healthy thing to do. If you don’t want to it, I suggest you invite the harvester to do it for you.” The 28-year-old credits the “man chowder,” which she rubs into her skin and leaves on to absorb for around 20 minutes, with vastly improving her complexion in the last year.

“You know, nut butter builds babies. They come out very soft and they have beautiful skin,” she explains. They also come out with a hard skeletal structure, but didn’t want to spoil her feeble logic.

Not wanting to miss out on a potentially revolutionary skin treatment, we decided to ask an expert in shlong juice facials, Chris, the resident butt slut here in our office, does it really work?

gyts“Pole milk applied to the skin is unlikely to yield any real long term benefit, I should know. I have literally gone months where every day I got cream dream all over my face. Do I look any younger? Well, maybe, but while it is high in proteolytic enzymes which could presumably break down dead skin cells and help skin appear smoother, you would need nearly daily application to maintain this benefit. Looking at the kind of hoe she is, I don’t think that will be a problem. Men are queuing at her door to be part of her extraordinary beauty regime.

 

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