There’s no part of a relationship scarier for a man than meeting his girl’s parents. Although being left at the altar may come close or waking up to see that she has done a Bobbit on your knobit, could also be scary.
Of course, the pressure he feels will vary from relationship to relationship. But if impressing the parents is essential to making the relationship work, because you know, she still hasn’t developed an autonomous sense of self outside of the expectation of her family of origin — then get ready to be judged.
But this is a good thing. It’s good that you care enough about her to be stressed about meeting her parents. The trick, though, is not to appear too stressed. With the holidays just around the corner, there’s a good chance that many of you reading this are going to be meeting the family for the first time, and it’s not something you get a few goes at. You have only one chance to make a first impression, so if you fuck it up (which more than likely), and you have basically flushed the potential for the love of your life down the toilet. But as I said, don’t stress too much.
So I thought it may be a good idea to give some of the men out there a few pointers for when it comes to meeting Papa Bear now that you’re porking his Oh-Yeah-Baby Bear. Here are six tips that will hopefully make this upcoming holiday season a delightful one.
Don’t dress to impress.
You may not be a gentleman, but fuck spending the evening trying to play the part. Every dad wants to know that the man his daughter is dating is one who’s respectful both to his daughter and to his elders — and you need to let him know straight off the bat that you are not that fucking guy. Assert this by saying things like, “Let’s be clear big daddy, you get my respect when you earn it. Until then, you will just have to deal with the smell of pickles that comes off my Burger King uniform; tell Big Mamma to hustle a little with that beer I asked for.”
- Bring a gift.
Whether or not her parents are used to receiving gifts for these occasions doesn’t really matter. If they are, then it’s good you brought something. If they aren’t, then you’ve surpassed their expectations. It’s win/win, motherfucker.
Just be careful with what you bring. If you know her dad is a recovering alcoholic, then bring a bottle of scotch. It looks like you tried to impress, and you get to keep the scotch (wouldn’t want daddy relapsing, would we?) Do your research: if her mum is totally MILF, I have always found that crotch-less panties went down really well. It’s intimate, but not too intimate. If she has spotty teenage brother, give him your password for BangBrothers with a cheeky nod and a wink. He will think you are super cool.
Go overboard with the physical contact with your girlfriend.
It’s no secret that you’ve been sleeping together – ok, let’s be more honest, humping like horny rabbits, but that doesn’t mean that her father wants to see you putting your hands all over her — so that’s exactly what you need to do! There is no such a thing as too much PDA — especially when hanging out with her family. Go all tongue, face licking, see if she will even rub your balls. This whole “meet the family” thing is all about dad needing to let go of his baby girl and mum embracing the depression of empty nest syndrome. Pretending otherwise is just prolonging the agony. If needs be, don’t forget to remind big daddy that the only reason his daughter exist in the first place is that he boned mummy.
- Do not be polite and respectful of their beliefs and opinions.
You may all agree on everything under the sun and moon. It happens. But the exact opposite may happen too, and its even more likely. If you find out that they watch Fox News, love the Tea Party and are really serious about their Christian faith, get ready for a huge showdown.
The first thing you want to do is to start an argument over the course of which you try to prove that her parents are wrong. Start off with something simple like Bill O’Reilly is a cunt or you’re a bi-sexual pagan.
No one likes to be proven wrong, but with their fucked-up, bigoted mind-set, it’s something they are going to have to deal with. For dessert, let them know you will serving them some serious humble pie. The real question to explore is, “how the hell did your daughter end up so intelligent and open minded with such crazy racist loons like you guys? Answer that, Papa!” After this, they may not like or respect you, but remember you are only there because she guilt tripped you into this, so what did she expect?
Share with them some of your history, just not the good bits.
They think they really want to get to know the real you: show so it to them. Don’t highlight your accomplishments and accolades, let’s face it you don’t have any. Instead, focus on the intriguing bits of your past that really exemplify the kind of partner you are going to be. Firstly let them know you know how handle them ladies. Catalogue all the girls you have made love to, the STDs you caught (and received treatment for, of course!) Make sure they know that most of these girls are still in your life, as staying friends is important to you. Don’t forget to compliment their daughter, and you should let them know that as far as “in sack performance” goes, she is in the top 10. Let them know the exact length in months of your jail sentences and the number of businesses you have driven into bankruptcy. Share with them your resilient character by detailing your many rehab stays, both as an in- and an outpatient. Lastly, remember to tell them about your alien abduction and rectal inspection on board of the UFO — that story is a real crowd-pleaser. Once they know all of this, I have no doubt that they will either open their hearts or their gun cabinets.
Get on Mom’s good side by getting into her bad side 😉
Let’s be honest: Chances are that Mom is the head of the decision-making committee in the in-laws household for Dad has become a shadow of his former self after years of being pussy-whipped into a neutered house-servant. Those crotch-less panties may have got your foot in the door, but you will be expected to do more if you really want Mum on your side. If you notice a weird kind of competitive dynamic between your girlfriend and her mum, play up on that by complimenting the mother whilst putting your girlfriend down. A mother’s unapologetic narcissism is something to promote you’re getting an all important thumbs-up. That said, it’s worth going the grope when you are helping her putting the dishes away. There is no doubt that she will reciprocate, and you can keep it as your own little secret.