It’s cliché, but it’s true: First impressions count, in particular when it comes to snaring the girl of your dreams. I am going to share with you five sure-fire ways that have worked for me time and time again to make sure the first date is followed by a second date. This isn’t just dating advice; these methods have been tested and proven to work. It’s science, bro. There is a small caveat: If you look like something between Shrek and Ed Sheridan, sorry, I can’t help much, so save up for some plastic surgery and come back when you have a half-decent face. For those who feel their face doesn’t scare children, listen and learn.
The Hotdog Slap
I just love this one, and I sometimes do it when I’m not even on a date. So make sure on the first date, sometime during the evening, you stop at a hotdog stand (the busier the better). Then start to suss who’s around eating a hotdog. Look for old people, timid types, definitely some way smaller than you and defenceless, and if you can spot a mentally challenged dude, that’s just a bonus. Preferably when they have just bit into their hotdog, walk over to them, and with gusto and force, just hotdog slap their bitch of a hotdog out of the park. Hopefully the sauce will splatter all over their face and they will look shocked and confused. If it’s a homeless guy and you just ruined his only meal of the day, you are allowed to yell out, “Suck it, hobo!” Then you strut back to your date with a weird, prideful grin, like you just did something amazing. If the recipient of your hotdog slap is crying, even better.
Why this works: Let’s face it: Women love the bad boy. Arrogant, cruel and unpredictable are all qualities the ladies dig. When she asks, “Why the hell did you do that?” and you say, “‘Cause I can, babe,” and then snatch her hotdog and eat it, right there and then she will melt into your sociopathic arms. This also works as a kabab slap, although that’s a bit more messy.
Ask for a tissue or a hanky.
Sounds simple, but this one is a gem. Sometime during the evening start making that sound like you have food or pubic hair stuck at the back of your throat. Continue doing it louder and louder, and while you’re eating is all the better. Then after awhile cough up some serious green phlegm and ask for the tissue/hanky. As you spit into the tissue let it dribble off your lips like a two-year-old with a snotty nose. Tell her that your 50-a-day smoking habit is starting to fuck you up. If you offer to give her back the hanky, she will more than likely say you can keep it. Whatever happens, you at least got a free hanky.
Why this works: Women are nurturing by nature. Showing how sick and feeble you are at the age of 28 will make her feel sorry for you. You can be the wounded sparrow whose wing she fixes. If you plan on coming off heroin or meth, go on the date 24 hours into your detox. When she sees you a shivering and twitching mess, you will warm the cockles of her heart.
Pretend you are a paediatric doctor who works in a children’s cancer ward.
If you can pull this off, it’s one of the best methods to ensure the second date. This is how you play it: Arrive a little late for the date, appearing flustered and stressed. Although some could see it as overkill, sport a pretend badge and stethoscope around your neck, then take it off quickly, saying you’re such a klutz. Apologise for being late, but explain how your operation on Timmy today to remove the tumour from his brain went fourteen hours, instead of the eight you expected, and now you’re worried Timmy won’t make it. If she starts asking questions that can’t be answered by watching Grey’s Anatomy, just say it’s best you don’t talk about it, as it’s too emotional. At dinner say a prayer for Timmy.
Why this works: First of all, doctors are loaded, so she will love that part. Then, it appears you’re the biggest bad-ass do-gooder, and that will make her feel she has hit the romance jackpot. She might even blow you on the first date just to help with your imaginary stress levels. Remember this will only get you to the second date, as she’s probs a bit into you, and if she finds out you work at Taco Bell your game’s up, but it was good while it lasted.
Pretend you are in the armed forces.
I think it’s illegal to impersonate a police officer, but pretending you’re in the Army, I think, just makes you a douchebag, but a douchebag with a plan. Turn up in Army greens, or if you want to go for the gold, do the whole white Navy Richard Gere type thing. Chicks love it. Ok, you might seem a little overdressed for Burger King, but who cares. Watch a few movies about war beforehand to get some of the lingo, and say you have just come back from a tour of duty. She won’t be able to help herself from wanting to see you again.
Why this works: Girls love traumatised and mysterious men who are also aggressive and can kill on an order. Society has a huge amount of respect and kudos for “the troops.” You can ride on the back of that without bothering with all the boring war and stuff. Then, whenever you break it off, just tell her you have to go back on tour, and with a single tear falling down your cheek, say you’re sorry, as you know she wants you, but the truth is your country needs you, and you just can’t ignore her call.
Tell her you live in a car.
Everyone loves to cheer for the underdog, including chicks. Make sure you don’t wash, so you look like a person who lives in his car. Use your food stamps card to get some dinner, and do the dining for two in the parking lot at Walmart. Make sure you have a decent back story, something like you took a big corporate giant that was poisoning grandma’s water, and you lost millions fighting the good fight. Not only will you get a second date, but you may also get a sleepover, free blankets and some cash.
Why this works: Women love to help a man better himself. The lower you go, the more room there is for her to help you become who you are meant to be. You are her own rags-to-riches story as you happily sponge off her for as long as you can.