Doing the deed can be awkward. Well, at least that’s how my mum explained how I was conceived. Hook-ups can go awry, and sex with a long-time partner may dry up like a crust of bread that’s both hard and mouldy. You may be with the wrong person; turns out that guy you shared a taxi with isn’t your husband. Or you may have a little case of the “can’t be fucking bothered” when it comes to hitting the hay. Simply opening your legs for three minutes sounds relatively easy, but it’s way more tiring than you would think. You know that communication is important in any given relationship, because you have read it in advice columns like this one for eons. Why talking matters: Excluding mind readers, talented psychics, the guy from The Listener and Sookie from True Blood, nobody is able to read minds. The same applies to your sex life! Here are eight signs you’re not speaking up enough about what’s going on in the sack.
- You’re not getting what you want.
Maybe you really, really want your partner to touch or kiss you more before his four minutes of the Ram Bam Thank You Ma’am he calls lovemaking. Maybe you have been harbouring a debauched and twisted fantasy, and you think he is just too much of a pussy to handle it. Or maybe it’s as simple as you’d like him to try to not eat fucking chorizo before he breathes all up your nose. Don’t be afraid to say it! Lay out exactly how you want it. Chances are you will discover he is the depraved pervert you have been looking for all this time.
- Your partner’s giving you something you DON’T want.
You don’t feel comfortable when he or she does that certain thing. A pet peeve of mine was when my boyfriend would smoke a cigarette when we were having sex. “You get on top” was pretty much code for “It’s time to have a fag.” Me clearing my throat and doing the fictitious cough didn’t seem to faze him, although when I stubbed one of his cigarette butts on the eye of his cock, that seemed to get his attention. Say something, but never do something you don’t want to do, unless there is a guaranteed payday. He wants you to change his adult diaper? No problem. $500 upfront and he supplies the wipes, diapers, and anti-fungal cream, and we have a deal.
- You feel frustrated after sex.
Getting down and dirty leaves you feeling overwhelmingly frustrated, instead of on top of the world. When he starts weeping in the foetal position every time he finishes having sex, chances are it’s just a really weird way of him avoiding going down on you. Saying to him, “Stop crying and mumbling ‘mummy,’ and lick my neck, back and crack,” could come off a bit insensitive, and the weasel manipulator knows it. His selfish bullshit is starting to get tedious, but thank the lord for vibrators.
- Your partner feels frustrated after sex.
If it’s painstakingly obvious your partner is equally unhappy after sex, the first thing you should do is question his sexuality. “Maybe if I had a cock and two balls, then you would be happy,” manically shout out to him. Whatever the case, put it defensively back onto him. Remember, he is talking about his feelings, and your job isn’t to attentively listen, but rather to manoeuvre the conversation to somehow being about how you are the one who doesn’t get their needs met. As for him, even talking about this is an example of the very problem you feel frustrated with. He will give you that quizzical look that says, “How the fuck did this end being about how I don’t do enough for you?” How? Well, his pea-like brain would never understand. So remember: Unless he is frustrated about the fact that he just wants to please you even more than he is currently, the conversation is over.
- You’re doing a bad job of faking orgasms.
Trying to disguise a yawn as an orgasmic face stretch is a far reach, at best. Like my oboe teacher once said, “If you’re going to fake something, at least fake it properly.” You need to rev it up a few notches, add a few animal sounds, and as the phony climax builds, speak as if you’re running out of breath. Also remember that a body quiver post-O is a nice finishing touch, as if his fictitious energy is still sending pretend shivers through your thighs. While you are at it, don’t be afraid to throw in a few encouraging words for him. If you’re going to fake an orgasm, why stop there? Tell him how amazing he was, and how just smelling his scent makes you all damp. Watch him strut to the toilet with his inflated ego all puffed up. You are so in control.
- You fantasize about a completely different scenario while it’s happening.
You secretly wish to role play with your partner, but you stick to merely imagining it during sex, because it’s probably weird, right? Wrong! Send a steamy text to your SO describing what, exactly, you want to go down. I told my last ex I wanted to role play me being a fairy queen who was captured by him role playing being an ogre king, who she secretly desires. When he finally brings me to his chamber, it turns out he has eight arms, but in place of hands he has eight penises, all erect and ready to pleasure me from head to toe. Translating that fantasy into reality wasn’t very successful. In hindsight, maybe I aimed too high, but you know what I mean.
- The sex is altogether lacklustre.
If when you finish having sex you kind of feel guilty, like you have just committed necrophilia, it’s probably a sign that your boyfriend is either dead or you have been having sex with a crash dummy for the last three years. If you are going to be sexually active with inanimate objects, make sure they at least have three speeds.
- You question the relationship.
If the sex is so bad, so boring, so vanilla, so Walton’s, so missionary, so Happy Days, that your vagina is just begging you to go on strike from the feeble, limp and shrivelled carrot you boyfriend calls his dick, then maybe it’s time to do as your chichi demands. Relationships are complicated, but they are not so complicated that when all the fire, passion and chemistry has vanished and been replaced with kids, Ikea, reality TV and fantasy football, you stop pretending you have a relationship. Just concede, like many before you and many after you, without even as much as a fight or a whimper. You have compromised and capitulated into allowing yourself to be sucked into the cultural vortex of conformity, consumption and distraction, of which the only escape from this mind-numbing prison is to radically question what the true function of life and existence really is. Or you could just get a divorce.